Do you love your mom?

(This is a very negative post. Don't read it if you do not want to spoil your day.)

Hey, do you love your mom? I do but somehow my mom always try her level best to make my life very difficult. I am serious. During the crucial stages of my life, she is there to destroy it. Oh gosh, why do I say such negative things about her? I do love her, I do. When I was young, I tried my level best to win her acceptance and love but one day, I think I must have been around aged 13 or 14, I came to a realisation that it will never happen so there and then I gave up the idea. Since she has always derided me and ridiculed my efforts at doing well in school and even went as far as insulting me that I cannot sing and I have no musical talent, I gave up trying to win her approval and henceforth I work hard for myself, only for myself. My success is for myself. Whatever achievements I made in school or outside, I kept the news to myself. In adulthood, I am convinced my mother does not want me to succeed in life.

If not for the fact that I became a Christian at a very young age (nobody forced me to, my family were not christians) and for the love that the Lord had given me and God's eyes upon me, I would have gone to jump down from the highest story of a HDB block. My childhood was rather miserable and sad. I was my mother's scapegoat for every wrong thing my big sister did. I was scolded and punished for I-also-dunno-what-I-had-done-wrong.

One day, I could not take it any longer (think I was in Sec 4). So I became rebellious and stood up to all her scoldings and challenged her back. Of cos, she scolded me more and said Jesus have taught me to be rude to my parents. I can never win. If children are physically or verbally abused and psychological tormented, how do they protect themselves? No way because they are children and vulnerable to the actions of the adults. Cos children do not know where to run to.

Mind you, when I was young, there were many older people who told me I have an above-average intelligence. Even my own late hub who was a doctor, said so.

I don't understand my own mother. Really.

There are only few instances I recalled that she had made tremendous efforts to help me.

My mother is the domineering, control-freak type. I have always always envied my friends who have soft-spoken mothers. I wish I had a mom like theirs.

Here is a very touching story about a very wonderful, hardworking and uneducated mom. I so wished to have a mom like that who really cared about my studies. This story is very emo.... hehe I warned you so.

http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/content/days-i-made-my-mother-cry

However, I am trying my level best to love my mother because she is in her 60s now. Already old. I am trying to forget the past and the hurts contributed by her.

Today, my small sister was complaining so much about mom. Mom and small sister are staying under one roof in my big brother's HDB maisonette. Big sister is not well and also staying there and mom taking care of her. Mom is stressed out and giving hell to everybody there. Big quarrels going on between all of them and separately among them. I feel sad. Just when I am letting go and bringing myself to love her more, here comes more reminders of how difficult my mom was towards me.

As far as my relationship with my son goes, I consciously do not do what my mother has done to me when I was young.

You may have heard it already, when I was young, I loved playing the piano very much but one day, my mom terminated my lessons (INSTANTLY!!!) by giving 2 lame excuses that I was rude to her and that I do not like music.

To my young mind, the impression was formed inside my head that whatever I loved and liked, she will surely take it away from me to punish me and to make me hurt the most. Sad for a young child I was then.

Sigh, she is afterall my mom. I do love her, still.

(I wish my mom gets to read this post. I dunno if she ever realised what I had to go thru in childhood and teenage years.)